There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
