I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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