i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
