Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
