the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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