remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
being pregnant is like rehab
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
