im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
