it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
