I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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