i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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