sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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