Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
