guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
