I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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