Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
