the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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