my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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