You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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