i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
