Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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