I feel great
I just peed on a car
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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