This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
