why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
