So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
