there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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