just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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