just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
