whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
