Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
