its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
