I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
