I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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