I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
