he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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