Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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