she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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