i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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