its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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