i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
