It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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