two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
