so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
