Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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