Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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