He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
