were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
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i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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