"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is