I think my fart just growled at me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
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I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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