dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
