I met the friendliest cop last night
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
