just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
