this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
