you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
