I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
