i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
