I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
